Your face is a jimmy john
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
