things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
