i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
