Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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