Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
