i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
