There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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