Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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