mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
