I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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