Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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