Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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