Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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