If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
