I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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