Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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