Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
