When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
