People in love make me want to vomit
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
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