Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
