I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
