I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
