So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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