I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
