Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
