dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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