The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
