I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
