i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Drunk is a universal language darling
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
