do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize