I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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