i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
