when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
