I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
