My cat gives me a boner
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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