I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
