the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
