Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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