Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
