I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
my shit smells like andre
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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