Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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