I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
