how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
We are all done wearing pants today
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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