dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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