I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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