The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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