he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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