My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
