Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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