My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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